These days it isn't news that America's in the red. With a national debt totaling more than $12.3 trillion, it's time to go back to the ledger and REALLY take a look at what we can do without.
Now, let's start with Alaska. Sure, there are plenty of resources--but the tree-huggers won't really let us in to use them. Sure, it's a strategic northern strike point on all of NE Asia, but that's why we have Hawaii. So hell...let's sell it back to the Russians. They don't let their people stop them from getting value from the land, and they know how to market that value to monopolistic profit, so it's gotta be worth a shit ton of money to them.
Come on, people, this is Alaska we're talking about. I know we built that big highway up there, but this is the state that brought us Sarah Palin and the same state that agreed to harbor Jewel when we exiled her from the Lower 48. Come on. Let's let Russia deal with those issues--I have no doubt they'd be willing to pay a good chunk of change for control over the Bering Strait in the soon-to-be ice-free Arctic Ocean.
Next, the Canadian Reacquisition. I suggest we return, with the exception of Washington and Northern Oregon, all land above the 45th N Parallel to Canada. Not for free, of course. Our asking price will be a super-cheap one trillion dollars. Think of all that production, Canada! Think of all that nice land that could be yours, for Country and for Commonwealth. One easy down payment of $91 billion down, and 30 annual payments of $30 billion thereafter.
Moving south, we come to the Californian Coast. This place is a mess, people. Keeping Cali's debt in check has been impossible lately...but it's not all of California that's the issue. It's really just the highly developed urban and coastal areas. My idea? Sell it to capital-flush China. It's valuable land; we're handing them Silicon Valley and the rest of the bay area for the giveaway price of $5 trillion. (We'll need a 20% down payment up-front, but that's no problem. Beijing is the Jay-Z of the Geopolitical Game.)
Southern California, Arizona and New Mexico can be ceded back to the Republic of Mexico for another trillion dollars. It sounds a little steep for Mexico to handle, but once the Republic is administering Los Angeles and San Diego, they should have all the tax revenue they need to keep up the mortgage. You're welcome, you guys. We know it's not all the land we took from you, but it's the least we could do for now.
I have a plan for Utah, too: sell it to the Latter Day Saints. They can have their promised land--the entirety of the state--for just $500 billion. Sweet, right? The whole of the Western Hemisphere benefits as well...we'd finally have our own honest-to-goodness theocracy!
Texas may remove themselves from the Union and form their own nation without threat of reprisal from the remaining United States. For free. That's a 170-year headache we'll be happy to give away.
We promised the Native Americans Oklahoma once, but then we just said "fuck it" and made it a state anyway. Well, let's give it back again. For free. And this time, let's leave those people alone for once. Damn.
Since it's only a matter of time before it's theirs anyway, let's offer up Southern Florida to the Israelites for the red-tag sale price of $1.5 trillion. (If they want to barter, our BOTTOM offer is $1.2, but work them down to it--don't start there.)
After this month's devastating earthquake in Port-au-Prince, we really need to give, and give big. Let's offer Miami-Dade County to the Haitians for absolutely free. As far as life in Miami-Dade is concerned, not much will change.
Vermont made a stink about secession a couple of years ago, something they have in common with Québec, their neighbor to the north. Well, is there some mutual respect there? A little mutual interest, maybe? I mean, in Vermont and Québec, there's really only two kinds of people--big burly guys in flannel chopping down trees, hunting and drinking, and stuck-up intellectuals who are too smart for both you and their own good. So let's endorse Québec's independence. When they achieve it, we'll sell them Vermont and Lake Champlain for less than half a trill'.
Now then...5 + 3 + 1 + 1 + 1.5 + .5 + .4...that's $12.4 TRILLION! Look at that, we even get a windfall profit of almost $100 Billion! If we simply follow my plan, our debts will be gone in no time! We'd even get to keep Boston, NY, Philly, DC, Portland, Seattle, and Hawaii. Think about it, America...
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