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Steve Jobs appeared in front of a stunned crowd for the unveiling of the new iPhone, but their reaction wasn't a result of the device's radical new look. In fact, while the outward appearance of the iPhone hasn't changed at all--what's new is the sharp new applications it's loaded with.

The crowd was amazed to see a tiny man (in the trademark black turtleneck) appear from behind a curtain and walk toward the front of the stage--the glistening new iPhone in his hands. Yes, hands. It only took seconds for audience members to realize that it was indeed Steve Jobs, Apple Inc.'s inimitable CEO. They were confused, though, as to why one of the most formidable tech innovators seemed to stand no more than two feet high on the stage.

"I couldn't believe it was him," said a Gizmodo Reporter in response to Steve's stature. "I mean, I think half the crowd thought the coffee and donuts were spiked with LSD. But when Steve explained everything, of course we were awed and amazed all over again."

Jobs took the stage at 1/6 his normal size, making the new iPhone he was carrying appear to be some kind of futuristic tablet computer.

The explanation? This new release of the iPhone has applications that can physically distort the user's body by making them denser, by changing their elemental composition, by making them grow, or--as Mr. Jobs demonstrated with the application aptly titled "iPym"--by making them shrink.

These days it isn't news that America's in the red. With a national debt totaling more than $12.3 trillion, it's time to go back to the ledger and REALLY take a look at what we can do without.

Now, let's start with Alaska. Sure, there are plenty of resources--but the tree-huggers won't really let us in to use them. Sure, it's a strategic northern strike point on all of NE Asia, but that's why we have Hawaii. So hell...let's sell it back to the Russians. They don't let their people stop them from getting value from the land, and they know how to market that value to monopolistic profit, so it's gotta be worth a shit ton of money to them.

Come on, people, this is Alaska we're talking about. I know we built that big highway up there, but this is the state that brought us Sarah Palin and the same state that agreed to harbor Jewel when we exiled her from the Lower 48. Come on. Let's let Russia deal with those issues--I have no doubt they'd be willing to pay a good chunk of change for control over the Bering Strait in the soon-to-be ice-free Arctic Ocean.

Next, the Canadian Reacquisition. I suggest we return, with the exception of Washington and Northern Oregon, all land above the 45th N Parallel to Canada. Not for free, of course. Our asking price will be a super-cheap one trillion dollars. Think of all that production, Canada! Think of all that nice land that could be yours, for Country and for Commonwealth. One easy down payment of $91 billion down, and 30 annual payments of $30 billion thereafter.

Moving south, we come to the Californian Coast. This place is a mess, people. Keeping Cali's debt in check has been impossible lately...but it's not all of California that's the issue. It's really just the highly developed urban and coastal areas. My idea? Sell it to capital-flush China. It's valuable land; we're handing them Silicon Valley and the rest of the bay area for the giveaway price of $5 trillion. (We'll need a 20% down payment up-front, but that's no problem. Beijing is the Jay-Z of the Geopolitical Game.)

Southern California, Arizona and New Mexico can be ceded back to the Republic of Mexico for another trillion dollars. It sounds a little steep for Mexico to handle, but once the Republic is administering Los Angeles and San Diego, they should have all the tax revenue they need to keep up the mortgage. You're welcome, you guys. We know it's not all the land we took from you, but it's the least we could do for now.

I have a plan for Utah, too: sell it to the Latter Day Saints. They can have their promised land--the entirety of the state--for just $500 billion. Sweet, right? The whole of the Western Hemisphere benefits as well...we'd finally have our own honest-to-goodness theocracy!

Texas may remove themselves from the Union and form their own nation without threat of reprisal from the remaining United States. For free. That's a 170-year headache we'll be happy to give away.

We promised the Native Americans Oklahoma once, but then we just said "fuck it" and made it a state anyway. Well, let's give it back again. For free. And this time, let's leave those people alone for once. Damn.

Since it's only a matter of time before it's theirs anyway, let's offer up Southern Florida to the Israelites for the red-tag sale price of $1.5 trillion. (If they want to barter, our BOTTOM offer is $1.2, but work them down to it--don't start there.)

After this month's devastating earthquake in Port-au-Prince, we really need to give, and give big. Let's offer Miami-Dade County to the Haitians for absolutely free. As far as life in Miami-Dade is concerned, not much will change.

Vermont made a stink about secession a couple of years ago, something they have in common with Québec, their neighbor to the north. Well, is there some mutual respect there? A little mutual interest, maybe? I mean, in Vermont and Québec, there's really only two kinds of people--big burly guys in flannel chopping down trees, hunting and drinking, and stuck-up intellectuals who are too smart for both you and their own good. So let's endorse Québec's independence. When they achieve it, we'll sell them Vermont and Lake Champlain for less than half a trill'.

Now then...5 + 3 + 1 + 1 + 1.5 + .5 + .4...that's $12.4 TRILLION! Look at that, we even get a windfall profit of almost $100 Billion! If we simply follow my plan, our debts will be gone in no time! We'd even get to keep Boston, NY, Philly, DC, Portland, Seattle, and Hawaii. Think about it, America...

To the Ladies and Gentlemen that were my wonderful hosts in the series of addresses I was kept at from 9 November 2009 to 4 December 2009:

My memory came back. It was the same evening after I found myself slumped next to the BMW*. A friend I was staying with noted how skinny I was and asked why I was eating so much quinoa. He asked if I'd quit drinking and smoking.

At first, it was only confusion. I felt like I didn't understand the words he was using. I liked quinoa and raw organics. I'd lost some weight, but--he brought out part of a leftover T-bone. I was disgusted at first, but something primeval gained ground and overpowered it. I caught the scent of the meat, and then I had some kind of evil synesthesia flashback. The scent of body odor, Nag Champa, Sage and Steamed Tofu hit me like a hundredweight of bricks in every color and tonal frequency.

Everything. I remembered all of it. I almost flew into a murderous rage, but thankfully by buddy had some cough syrup to calm me down. So, yeah. Depriving me of red meat was probably an awful idea, because that deprivation did something horribly wrong to me. Right now I'm perched over a beef quarter just taking bites off of whatever looks good.

Don't tell me about vomit. I know. I was doing that and shitting pretty much every time I took a sip of milk or a bite of mammal flesh. Thanks for feeding me your tasteless macrobiotic slop until my body entirely forgot about meat, milk and alcohol.

The taste-void of that grassy nothingness was enough to make me WANT cancer to halt me twenty or thirty years early. It would have been a blessing if I'd died of heart failure or pussy-food overexposure or something in the first week I was with you wannabe-weathermen fucks, but that doesn't matter anymore. I'm out now.

Your reprogram didn't go so well. It broke pretty easily. You pitiful bastards must have been reading from the abridged version of The Anarchist's Cookbook, because I was eating raw meat, drinking bourbon, and breathing hot menthol again in no time. Only difference now is...I'm waiting for you.

I took the last two months in hiding to situate myself again. I've got new offices now. I live in mine. I'm still working on a new staff--but a few candidates have nearly passed their tests. Our screening process is rigorous for obvious reasons.

As for me, don't make the mistake of trying to take me with less than eight bodies. Oh no, not because I carry weapons. I don't need mace or a stun gun. I'm on some kind of passive bloodlust kick. I'm fine normally, but if you try to black-sack me again, I will motherfucking EAT your flesh. No, that's not some kind of threat to make you think I'm crazy. That's a shout out to my man Peter Singer. I'm no speciesist. I will MOTHERFUCKING EAT YOUR FLESH...in self-defense, of course. With green onions.

*By the way, I filled your car with deer carcass and left in somewhere outside Bowling Green. Yeah. Bowling Green, motherfuckers. I got tired of paying to park it in the city, so I drove it out of gas and ended up in Central Ohio. You're going to have to replace the interior.

Marvel, realizing that they pretty much suck at this point anyway, turned to the world's #1 producer and successful marketer of once-valuable and decreasingly innovative entertainment, Disney. Disney has announced its excitement about being able to bring its own takes on Marvel's long-time brand to the screen. In particular, the awaited Wolverine sequel will be getting a new script.

In tandem with the new "Wolverine" movie, Hugh Jackman will be loaning his likeness and voice to a new set of animated disney shorts, with Jackman playing "Wally Wolverine," Mickey's distant cousin who has an even worse temper than Donald Duck. Fun ensues as Wally moves in with Mickey temporarily. When Mickey's friend Goofy comes over to talk about his tribulations with his neighbor and fairweather friend Pete, Wally teaches Goofy a valuable lesson: in standing up for yourself, a baseball bat can be nearly as effective as adamantium claws.