Palin: The Al Gore of 2008.

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Despite the fact that President-Elect Obama and Gaffe-master Joe Biden claimed a crushing victory on the bruising path to the white house, Sarah Palin has taken part in a FOX NEWS analog to Al Gore's masterpeice whine-fest, An Inconvenient Truth. In this documentary, Al Gore exerts a poor effort appealing to the public to show concern for their environment, probably due to his attempt to frame his evangelical-style ecomongering as the big-picture reason he "should have won" in 2000.

 Now you guys are in for it. Way to vote, jerks.

But come on, Mrs. Palin, at least Mr. Gore almost won. And if he HAD won, at least he would have been President. But you had to do it, having failed to learn your lesson: STAY AWAY from the video cameras. In Governor Sarah Palin: An American Woman, Palin assails the media for their coverage of her personal affairs. I know this crazy hyper-communicating high-technology world must be tough for you arctic dwellers, but please try and understand that BECOMING THE VICE PRESIDENT means that people are going to analyze you, your motives, your actions, your personal life, your family--everything. That's why we call the position "public office". I'm sorry for the stress we all put on you. It's probably a good thing you didn't win, because you proved our greatest fear right: you can't handle the pressure.

Which is a funny claim when I hate giving women rights over their own bodies.

And what have we really learned from the past 8 years? For one thing, we learned that John Kerry wasn't as shifty as he seemed on the stage. We thought we couldn't ever trust the man, which is ironic when you consider that he was the only loser that actually had a fair post-mortem documentary assessment of exactly why he lost to a ruinous fool of an incumbent. With in-fighting, power grubbing campaigners, competing interests and the Republican Party retaining most of their zombie-like unquestioning supporters for Bush in 2004, Kerry's loss was guaranteed. Inside the Bubble gave us some insight to the specifics.

 In hindsight I should have broken the Swiftboaters' kneecaps shouting WHO'S A REAL SOLDIER NOW, BITCH?

Having a loser make a long, drawn out, reality-television style statement about why they lost the presidential election is a relatively new tactic. Quayle wrote a book, I think. The unfortunate part about this is that there are plenty of interesting losers throughout history who could have capitalized on their life experiences even better than people like Gore and Palin.

Examples? Well, let's talk about Jack Kemp: All American.

Quarterback, Defensive Linesman AND All-American.

Yes, Jack Kemp was an All-American who shortly played in the NFL (when there was still an AFL!) He ran on Dole's ticket in 1996. But there's an even better historical example of an extremely successful loser, a more seasoned loser, a real "no holds barred" loser.

You don't know who I am? Do the words FREE SILVER mean nothing to you?

Last Updated ( Monday, 12 January 2009 07:46 )
 

Hakuna Matata

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He can't protect you from Destiny, Robbie.
 

The Great Borrowers

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(Editor's Note: Mr. Smarmsby realizes that the Federal Government's fiscal year starts in October. Nonetheless, President-Elect Obama has already decided--before even entering office--that it would be a good idea to take a $1.2 trillion projected budget AND lower taxes.)

Can we be more fiscally irresponsible than the Decider? Yes we can.

"Sen. Barack Obama (Ill.) recently blamed the Bush tax cuts for driving the nation toward recession. But he, too, wants to preserve about half the cuts, and pile on new ones."

--Lori Montgomery, Washington Post
Friday, March 28, 2008; Page D01

 

Last Updated ( Monday, 12 January 2009 00:05 )
 

Headline of the future: SOFT DRINK COMPANIES ASK FOR BAILOUTS

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November 23, 2013
SOFT DRINK COMPANIES ASK FED FOR BAILOUTS; CANNING AND BOTTLING PLANTS CLOSE

Former Governor Paterson has finally admitted that his obesity tax--a lasting legacy no politician deserves--was an illogical half-measure directed at a quick fix.

The Newly Re-elected President Obama is now is talks with both Coca-cola and PepsiCo. PepsiCo had warned the government about the backfiring "inward tariffs" after California, Massachusetts, Illinois and New Jersey followed suit in passing their own obesity taxes. Despite their broad-sounding name, these obesity taxes solely targeted sodas and were levied equally against thin, healthy people who won't be asking the state to cover the medical expenses resulting from decades of self-inflicted dietary decisions.

Thousands of jobs have been lost while soft drink companies continue to look for ways to save operating capital. Realizing now that soft drinks are not the single and total cause of obesity in the state, Former Governor Paterson apologized to parents of fat children from Ripley to Montauk. "I filled you all with false hope," he said, "and now we know that fried foods, constant snacking and rare exercise ALSO contribute to obesity. Also, I'd like to apologize to Coke and Pepsi for unfairly and artificially raising product prices in a free-market economy."

Even after New York's increased tax revenues from the obesity tax, New York still has yet to balance their 2011 budget.
Last Updated ( Monday, 12 January 2009 17:42 )
 

Proof of Feminism's Failure in America

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I'm afraid it's true--feminism has failed in America. I was scratching myself in public (as all true men do) when a woman gave me a terrible look. I was about to convey a mild and dignified response of "you gotta problem, bitch?" when I halted in thought. I had come to a devastating conclusion.

There is no way I would look at any man of any creed, race, or color and use an ethnic slur in so greeting. Not in anger, and not in jest. It's a cultural taboo ingrained deeply enough into me that I'm embarrassed to even bring up the hypothetical situation, let alone give examples (or even abbreviations) of those slurs.

But lo, how many times a day do I cry "son of a bitch!"?
How often does a "fucking bitch" slip out of my mouth?
If I'm working on small electronic parts, what quantity of "slutty bitch whore" is bound to escape my breath?
How many "ass-skanks" echo from this larynx?
What of the "stupid-son-of-a-fucking-bitch-ass-ho"?

These are only a few examples; I could go on and on. But to more rapidly illustrate:

Americans standing against discrimination.
Bitches

Before anyone with an altar to Gloria Steinem calls for the scalp of my eggsatchel in exchange for a cash reward, keep this in mind, readers. The alt tags for the above historical photos don't really show that I'm an IRL misogynist and all-star woman-beater, but they do show that in contrast with the picture on the left, I have no qualms about tagging the right picture with "bitches".

What does this mean? Is this reporter sexist? Racist? Both?

Last Updated ( Monday, 12 January 2009 07:48 )
 


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